Salam Jumaat dear diary.
Hari yang mulia dan barokah. Namun hati ini tetap tak dapat menahan sakit luka yang kualami. Buat seseorang yang aku penah kenali, sekiranya dirimu membaca diari ini, anggaplah ini sebahagian dari kisah yang aku ingin ingati sampai bila-bila. Penanda bahawasanya aku pernah mengenali, menyayangi dan merinduimu, wahai kamu yang pernah menjadi kekasih hati.
Saat kita ditemukan, kau dan aku bekerja di tempat yang sama dalam team yang sama. Pada waktu itu, aku amat muda dan polos tentang dunia pekerjaan di sana. Tiada apa yang kufikir kecuali mahu mencari rezeki dengan ikhlas dan jujur. Jiwa ku hanya kerja dan keluarga.
Saat pertama aku melihatmu adalah dimana kau berada di office menulis rfi. Dengan rokok di tangan. Dalam hatiku, siapa gerangan dia ini. Sudah berkahwinkah? Atau sudah berpunyakah?
Lantas aku berfikir dengan rupa wajahnya pasti kamu sudah bernikah. Since aku banyak mengenali lelaki dalam pekerjaan ini yang ku lihat bujang rupanya sudah beranak empat..lima.. HAHA
Sehingga suatu hari..aku menguruskan bahagian safety cidb. OH MY GOODNESS..kamu lebih muda dariku. FRUST. Aku harapkan kamu sebaya atau lebih tua dariku..tapi tidak. Then we went for majlis buka puasa sama-sama. Hangout BERDUA sama-sama. Sampai suatu hari, aku bersuara adakah kau berniat sesuatu padaku....Jawapannya BENAR. Kamu suka aku. Kamu mahu mengenaliku dengan lebih dekat.
Then we became closer and share the stories, the happiness, the sadness and even the unrelated problems we share together. And we became a true lover.
Until one fine day. Kamu memilih untuk berjumpa kedua ibu bapaku. I'm totally happy. And just happy. Unfortunately things became upside down. My family reject at first because of the first impression. Oh NO...I'm started to cry.
Our relationship goes smoother but my heart felt so itchy since my mom don't approved him. Everyday I cried and pray. Pray and Pray. And even pray to see Tuan Syeikh Muhammad Said to pray for me. I cried and I cried. Nobody can help me. I share the pains ALONE.
Somebody once said to me that I look tougher on the outside but none on the inside. YES. Indeed that's what I felt now. Nobody can help me. But only Allah. And kamu. Ya kamu mampu mengubahnya.
The other reason of my broken heart was my istisyarah said: one day you'll (he) be the one who'll break the marriage. I just STOPPED. My heart sores the most. Time stopped and I breath no more. As the flies so are the pain they said.
But It just didn't.
I still love you. My heart does. And even I tried to persuade you to the istisyarah. But you don't look it just like the way I see it. You took it just for a 'ajaran sesat dan menyimpang'.
This time, I really frustrated. Never in my whole life I've been felt this way. The one I trust other than my family had been rejecting the belief I've been living with. For the past 15 years I'm able to see MALAM LAILATUL QADR because of this practise. You wanna know how I did? This is not a practice but a belief of Allah and Rasullullah and sahabat and keturunannya. I'm not talking a bout family name Syed or Sharifah BUT the blood. The real bloodline of Rasullullah.
I promise him, the oath we made, the DEAL we agreed. If there is still no engagement before Ramadhan 2014, we'll be no longer be a lover nor a friend. We will cut off any relationship we had.
And today just a few days before Ramadhan.
I just hope for some miracle to come. Kita hanya mampu merancang tapi Allah yang akan menentukan. Hanya Dia yang tahu rahsianya.
p/s: For those who not believe in anything I said just leave it. It's your right. Whatever it is, my heart is never failed to believe in Allah. and for the guy I mentioned above, just have faith in Him. No matter where you'll go, don't stop giving love to others.
p/s: I cried a lot tonight. Nobody saw me cried and only Allah knows.
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